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The end of Olde Englande
A lament for Blighty
Sep 14th 2006
From The Economist print edition
Britain is going to the dogs, some say
THE Home Counties are horrified. The British Show Jumping Association has asked police to investigate claims that a mother of two doped ponies in an attempt to help her child win a championship. (Bystanders said they had seen her feeding sweets to the steeds.) Though the police have dropped the matter, mothers at gymkhanas will eye each other even more suspiciously henceforth. Pushy parents are everywhere, it seems, and childhood tainted.
Indeed, the Daily Telegraph published a lament for lost childhood on September 12th. More than 100 worthies, including Penelope Leach, a child-care guru, and Philip Pullman and Jacqueline Wilson, well-known writers of children's books, complained that junk food, video games and over-competitive schools were making children sad. They needed more “real play” (perhaps with sticks in woods) and more time with “significant adults” (ie, parents).
That same day those who yearn for the olden days, when children played tag in the summer sunlight and rolled down grassy slopes with friendly dogs called Rover, received two more blows. Ian Pearson, an environment minister, said Britons must prepare to bid farewell to their lawns, as global warming is turning verdant swards into dried-up dust-bowls. And in an attempt to preserve what remains of this green and pleasant land, the Campaign for the Protection of Rural England joined forces with the Royal Automobile Club to huff about the “garish signs and billboards” ruining roads in “pretty rural areas”. They called for a return to fingerposts.
There are other pressing problems—the vanishing Sunday roast, the reform of the Anglican liturgy to make it more “user-friendly” and the tragic disappearance of the milkman. Most worrying are the changes to children's parties, which now cost over Ł200 a pop, according to a survey in February. Once sprogs would sit in a circle, play pass the parcel and leave (after saying thank you) with a squashed piece of sponge cake in a napkin. Now many have contracted “Posh Party Syndrome” as they struggle to keep up with Posh and Becks (the footballer and his wife), who spent some Ł10,000 on a birthday celebration for their son.
But all is not lost. Bovril, a traditional hot beef drink served to men in sheds, is back, now the European Union has lifted its ban on Britain's beef products. Tea-time has never been more popular—London hotels are booked up for months in advance. Although the music show “Top of the Pops” has disappeared from the BBC's schedule, Auntie has graciously brought back “Dr Who”—and a new generation can enjoy the deliciously spine-chilling experience of hiding behind the sofa whenever the Daleks appear.
